Ok, I know we have the other Stages thread, but it seems to have reached some level summary (albeit evolving).

So I'm not too sure where this post belongs. It is regarding the Stages of Cult Recovery, as listed by Paul R. Martin of the Wellspring Retreat. I thought I'd sum up his summations of the generic cult exit experience. If the admins deem it appropriate, please merge with the other thread.

The scope of this list of stages is a little different. The Post-Mormon paradigm starts with the pre-exit stage. This begins after exit. Parts of it correspond to the Post-Mormon Stages, but it probes more deeply into some of them, and takes several side tracks.

It is taken from Recovery from Cults, specifically Chapter 10, Post-Cult Recovery: Assessment and Rehabilitation. I have quoted from this chapter before.. For the most part, it's excellent.

Stage 1: Developing a Conceptual Framework

"The focus of stage one is education and self-acceptance".

The Possible Need for Exit Counseling

Most of us are "exit counseling ourselves". We're delving into Mormonism's hidden side, seeking to understand how we were deceived, expressing repressed feelings in a sympathetic community, researching Church History, and trying to make sense of it all.

Recognizing the Importance of Relationships

Many people enter cults for social reasons. It is important that when exiting, the ex-cultist find understanding and acceptance. This is often difficult for Mormons especially in the corridor. Many of us have lost all of our friends and family members, or at the very least, we will not find any support there.

Evaluating the Group

I believe this is the stage I'm most occupied with at the moment. Ex-members must make a "sound intellectual and theological (or philosophical) evaluation of the group's teachings", and also take a second look at the group's ethics, "for example, its use of money, its methods of thought reform, and its practice of deception". This is a time for the individual to re-evaluate themselves in the context of what they discover about the cult. This is something of a moral separation, of understanding that one's actions within the group were probably of honest intent, and coming to terms with the deceptions.

Recovery of Fellowship and Recognition of Group Processes

The ex-member will seek to join fellowship with others, possibly another group. Issues include problems with trusting other individuals and organizations, or jumping right in to another controlling group. Ex-members may seek that social euphoria of their former group, or turn completely away from intimacy with all people.

The Recognition of "Floating"

Floating has been a difficult term for me to understand. Dr. Martin uses the best description I've found so far, however I think this may mean something slightly different to everyone who has written about it.

"When an ex-cultist gets back into the high after leaving a cult, it is called 'floating'. If he snaps back into the shame-based motivations experienced in the cult and again believes the cult was right, that too is called floating."

I've also heard it described in the context of triggers and dissociation. People from meditation cults will often snap back into uncontrollable trance states.

I believe I've experienced what Dr. Martin describes, but it's difficult for me to wrap my mind around. This involves something that is so intrinsically a part of "who I am", that it's hard to put into a test tube. I can only get a vague sense of what this means, but I believe ex-Mormons do experience this. I've gotten this sense from reading the posts of others as well, especially those who are still frequently around Mormons.

Understanding Trauma

This step involves recognizing abuse and the long-term effects. Mormons seem to have a wide range of emotional, spiritual, physical, and sexual abuse. Some lived in highly dysfunctional abusive families, and the Church reinforced and doctrines provided justification. For others, their families were relatively functional, and the doctrines were slightly more flexible and open. Then there are those of us somewhere in between. Abuses caused by extended relatives, clergy, also cannot be ignored.

In any case, Mormon doctrine is designed to be taken seriously, and some of it is quite a mind f*ck. Whatever level of trauma experienced, this is the phase of reconciliation to it.

Thought Reform

Martin insists that for a proper recovery, the ex-cultist must have a good understanding of how they were manipulated. This is why I'm so driven to do all this reading and writing. The cult causes alienation from the authentic self, so understanding how it was done will help one find their own lost soul.

The Church had the answers to everything, walled us off from the rest of the world, made the doctrine more important than our self, "broadly define[d] sin and narrowly define[d] human nature", loaded our language to trap us in the "doctrine over self" paradigm, demanded purity, inflicted shame because we could not ever be truly pure, and this increased our dependency... Our only alternative, as repeated time and time again, was certain destruction.

At the end of stage one, Martin summarizes with what I've quoted here before -- that the joy and rage (and other emotions) must be allowed to run their courses.

Stage Two: Grieving, Reconciliation, and Reaching Out

At this stage, the ex-cultist may experience the following issues: grief for friends and family still in the group, denial ("I can't believe this happened to me"), regret for lost time, worries about finding a new spiritual path, uncertainty about God, and guilt/shame for having been converted in the first place.

Regaining Purpose

During this phase, the ex-cultist will be searching for meaning in a now-uncertain world. The ex-cultist will need support and affirmation. This is a time for talking about their trauma and finding self-esteem and self-forgiveness. The compass has stopped spinning wildly, and now it's time to take a look at where it is pointing.

The Need for Reconciliation

Many ex-cultists feel guilty for unethical actions they made while in the cult. This is probably more of an issue for those who served a mission or were called to high leadership positions. If you feel you have wronged someone, now is the time to make amends, if possible. It's also important to not condemn your old self based your current light.

The Request for Information

This has more to do with doctrinal questions. Trying to understand former beliefs, and putting them into a context of your newly developing beliefs.

The Need for Support

That's why we're here in this forum. Martin says, "...finding and talking with other former members ... is an essential step to recovery... Their experience is similar to that of 'war buddies'".

Rediscovery of the Gospel

Ok, so this is where Martin and I part ways. He gets a little preachy here. Later he emphasizes that at Wellspring, they only get Biblical and Christiany if people expressly want it.

I'm going to change his focus a little, and call this phase "Seeking True Spirituality", whatever its form may be for the individual.

Rescuing Others

During this stage, ex-members may desire to help pull others out of the organization. If it helps, do it. But be aware that attempting this without much education or planning may backfire. Don't forget, cognitive dissonance is alive and well.

Contact by the Cult

Yep, Mormons aren't the only ones that get bugged and harassed. According to Martin, the first attempts will be in the interests of bringing the ex-cultist back. If those don't work, "they will try to discredit the former member and limit any contact he or she may have with the cult."

Sound familiar?

How about this? "Their tack is to say things like, 'We miss you,' 'We love you,' 'We have been so worried about you,' 'We have been praying for you,' 'We would like to be with you.'" This is right out of the book.

Martin advises caution in this area. Mormons are probably relatively safe physically -- they won't try to kidnap you like some cults will. However, I would also advise caution -- I continued to trust my parents, and they pulled a few things I never would have suspected of them. They left me an emotional mess (I still have nightmares, and this happened several years ago). I had to "divorce" them and set extremely firm boundaries -- of the "don't come back or I will call the police" sort. Please don't underestimate how strong their beliefs are -- Mormon doctrines (eternal family, the plan of salvation, Satan is actively tempting people, it's better to die that lose your chastity, etc) are held above the concept of individual rights and personal comfort.

Retributions of the Cult

This addresses the threat of physical violence from the cult. This one is probably not a worry in modern mainstream Mormonism. It definitely once was, and still is for Fundamentalists.

Reemergence of the Past

This covers dealing with psychological and emotional issues one may have had prior to joining the cult. Most members are born into the Church, so I'd also add issues not directly related to Mormonism, whether caused by nurture or nature.

Previous experiences must be re-evaluated with your new, non-cult mind. This includes abuse issues, addictions, loneliness, unresolved grief, relationship problems, etc. The Bandaid of resolution-through-faith has been ripped off, so now old wounds can be viewed from a secular concept of modern psychology. Science hasn't gotten it all figured out yet, but it's a lot more likely to be of help than advice like, "Pray and read the scriptures", "It will all work out in the end", "Remember Heavenly Father loves you", "You're a child of God", and "Quit dwelling on the negative and just get over it!"

All aspects of Stage Two may bring old issues to light that were never properly dealt with. This may add to the emotional turmoil, confusion, and uncertainty.

Stage Three: Reintegration into Society

"When the former cult member begins talking less and less about the cult and spending more time in career, relationship, and personal issues, then he or she is in the third stage of recovery."

One thing I would like to point out here, is that sometimes there is a negative connotation to "dwelling in the past" or focusing on the negative. I just found myself feeling a little guilty for writing this very post, thinking, "Geez, I'm still stuck in stages one and two, what's wrong with me?" This attitude will get me nowhere. I have decided to spend as much time as I like right where I am. If I'm interested, there must be a reason why -- in fact, there doesn't even need to be a reason.

And if I become disinterested, and five years from now, come back to it, so be it. I will forgive myself, and let myself do what needs to be done. There is no shame in it.

Positives of the Cult Experience

As part of the process, we can look at the positive things we learned and experienced because of Mormonism. While some of these traits are out of whack and need some calibration, I learned determination, honesty, restraint, moderation, politeness, kindness, hard work, and how to play the piano.

What did you learn?

Recovery of the Whole Self

Martin makes reference to finding the pre-cult self, which is frustrating to me. I never had a pre-cult self. I've had to rephrase these types of references to "authentic self". Finding this has been difficult, but I know I've tapped in during those moments when I feel joy in doing something that is uniquely me.

The Self and Religious Commitment

Martin gets preachy again. Something about the difference between performance-based doctrines and Jesus-forgives-all doctrines.

Recovery of the Practical

Mormons are already practical. We're encouraged to be self-sufficient when it comes to financial, shelter, and food needs, so many of the problems facing some other ex-cultists in this regard will probably not be an issue for ex-Mormons.

Recognition of Sexuality and Intimate Relations

Mormonism isn't the only one with weird dating rules and strict laws about sex.

During this phase, some ex-cultists go overboard. On RfM I've seen this referred to as the "Adolescent Phase".

Longing for Friends in the Cult

Martin recommends balance, and making sure this longing isn't misplaced guilt or codepencency.

Well, that's it. Must sleep now.

Luna